at war; me vs. me

i truly dislike to have to depend on others.. or maybe it’s that i’m quiet until the last minute and that’s why i don’t get what i want when i need it. i have problems, big fat problems staring me right in my face. i have a disgusting sense of independence and feel i need to do everything myself to avoid feeling like a burden to others with my problems and struggles. i try to be too considerate of others because i know that we are all going through something. and i figure, who am i to place a struggle in the hands of someone who is struggling to make a way themselves? i don’t know if this trait is a good quality or if i should throw it away completely. it’s times like this when i feel no peace at all. my mind is racing to all the things i did wrong leading up to my current situation. my mind travels to all the negative outcomes that will follow afterwards. my mind does not relax, it’s the tenses muscle in my body. but after all this, after all the negativity my mind throws at me, i know deep down in my soul that there will be brighter days and that i will make it just fine..

Eye Contact

Him: She captured my soul

With eyes so piercing, she took hold

I’m losing control of my limbs, what’s happening to me?

Robbing me of my balance, how could this be?

Eyes so big and bright

Like Peter Pan, I’m flying through a starry night

To never never land I go

A place where the impossible is so

Girl with the brown doe eyes

Please don’t look away for I will surely die

I need to know about the tricks you have up you sleeve

The one that is creating this force, the reason I can’t seem to leave

I want you, that is my truth

And I must catch you before this goes, poof.

Her: He made me uncomfortable under his gaze

I wanted to walk away before he set my soul ablaze

Why must he stare at me this way?

Like he’s a lion and I am his prey

He would devour me

And truth be told I’d let him because I see,

It’s his certainty that makes me afraid

What if he’s everything I prayed?

In his dark eyes, it is all there

He is knocking down my walls, now I am bare

How is this possible? I’m feeling secure, protected

I want him close, please tell me you meant it.

Him & Her: “Hello”

Dancing: Ode to Johnnie Allen

Grandpa? Is that really you? 

A dance hall caught my eye at the end of a secluded street in Albany, GA.  With bright lights and music rocking it was the perfect spot for me. Not many here, no one to ask why I came, no one to be embarrassed in front of, just me. I enjoy authentic music, so my ears fluttered like Dumbo into the place. the music so soulful, it’s speaking to me. Taking over my body, I can’t seem to stay still. The bass guitar is leading my limbs into a nice two step. Suddenly, I hear tapping shoes. My heart drops as I look to the stage.

Grandpa? Is that really you? 

I see Johnnie Allen tap dancing. I never knew he was a performer, his moves are like no other. I see the smoothness in his style and I’m paralyzed.

Grandpa, how are you? 

I remember the day you passed, you held on long enough to see our faces. I miss you. I wanted you to teach me about life, love and you. To hear your stories, your voice again. And here you are dancing, tap dancing and stealing my heart. I didn’t interrupt, I just let him dance. All the while smiling in my dreams.

The Vessel

Some days I wake up to the birds chirping. I think about their wings. how they can fly away at any time.  I close my eyes, imagine the air racing through my features. my wings are spread wide as I glide through the sky. I can go anywhere, see anything. I envy birds, with such ease they take to the sky, leaving all their cares behind. To get lost in the atmosphere is my heart’s desire. To land on a cloud or fly across a blue lagoon. Clear as crystal I see my reflection and how graceful I look with my wings spread wide. I would do anything to have wings so when I want to most I can go hide. Hide in the clouds and feel the sun rays on my face. I want wings to take me away.

Escape

“So you say you wanna get away?” How can I get away from worldly things if everyone’s mind around me are consumed by them? it’s scary being different, wanting different things. Most of the time i want to run and hide. i think that is why i keep to myself most of the time. i live in my own world. a world where God loves me, provides for me, protects me, keeps me. A world where there is no negative energy at all. People love one another unconditionally. God is my peace, the ultimate reason why i do not worry, get scared or stressed about anything that happens in this world. “I do what I feel because I hear God saying, “I got you. Just live!” wow, just live.. For the longest i have been afraid to live. To do things and go to the places God puts in my heart. I was so afraid of being judged because I don’t want the same things that others do. Nervous because I don’t know in what specific direction I am supposed to go. I used to think that meant that I wasn’t talking to God enough, but in reality I just wasn’t listening to him. I wasn’t listening to my heart. What if the goal is to just live and by living your wildest dreams will come true. I am seeing life differently. I am welcoming every obstacle, every trial, every failure because I know they all will make me the woman I am meant to be. And I thank Jesus for saving me. I am humbled ad truly grateful to be on this journey. I have a found a new motivation, there is a fire burning in my veins. IT IS TIME TO LIVE!